Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
