i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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