Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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