This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
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