i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
