when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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