Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize