if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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