Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
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i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
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Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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