Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
