I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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