hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
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i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
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You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.