I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
27 Parents Confess Shocking Secrets Their Kids Don’t Know
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.