3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
