So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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