What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
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