She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
