My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I checked into jail on foursquare
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
