Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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