According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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