I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Someone shattered a urinal.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
