Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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