God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
