barbara walters just said penis...
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
