I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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