God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
