i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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