I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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