Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He did a backflip because drugs
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
