Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
