This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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