now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
