Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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