girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
sarcasm needs its own font
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
