If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
