speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
