Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
