woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
We're not piercing ourselves today.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
