Screwed.edu
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
We have so much sex to catch up on
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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