Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Found the puke drawer
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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