Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
