I was born with a shot glass in my hand
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
