Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
