mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
