it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
