kristin has been a bad kristin
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
