1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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