i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
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