using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
