dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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