Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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