dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
