Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
