your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
