What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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