So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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