If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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