Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
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make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
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There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.